A friend of mine, a woman who snored, told me a story about her problem with snoring and how the way in which her partner approached the issue was initially causing serious problems in their relationship. The solution they eventually came up with to make the discussions less frustrating made a big difference in their ability to finally resolve the issue.
“One morning, I woke up to find my husband was no longer in bed next to me. This was instantly a sign of a problem. He always sleeps later than I do so I assumed he was either not feeling well or one of our kids had woken him with some sort of problem.
I wandered out to the kitchen expecting to see him sitting at the kitchen table or maybe in the bedroom of our youngest son, the most likely child to have had some sort of issue requiring a parent’s attention.
I scoured the house – two floors – without finding any sign of my husband. On a whim, I finally checked the guest bedroom, a room we rarely use ourselves and only sees any attention when company comes to visit. The door was closed. I opened the door slowly, shocked to find my husband was sound asleep in the guest bed. I closed the door and tiptoed away. Concerned.
Other than when company was in town, the guest bedroom was only used if we were having a really serious fight. When we were so mad we could hardly talk to each other, one or the other of us might hide out in that bedroom. What had I done that he was so mad at me?
I went about my morning, a little worried about what the conversation might be when my husband finally woke up.
An hour later, my husband emerged from the guest bedroom. I couldn’t wait any longer:
Why were you sleeping in the guest bedroom?
Yes, I walked straight into it.
You were snoring so loud I couldn’t stand it any more. I had to leave the room.
We’ve been married for years. I’m sure he felt comfortable putting it like that but all I heard was “I couldn’t stand you anymore.” I felt such guilt and shame. Then I got defensive.
It led to a fight. So, while we hadn’t been fighting, now we were because I didn’t want to have chased my husband from the room. I couldn’t imagine I could make a noise so loud it would wake my husband.
As couples do, we moved on with our day, the issue melting away in light of our regular day-to-day activities. By mid-day, it was completely forgotten.
Unfortunately, this didn’t cure my snoring problem. Over the course of a few weeks a pattern was growing. I was waking up at least one morning every couple of weeks alone in bed. Then it was once a week. And then two or more times a week.
© Ioana Grecu
The kicker was coming home from work to find a box of nasal strips on my bathroom counter. Nasal strips!!! Who did he think I was? A 70 year old man? I cried. Not only did he not want to sleep with me anymore, I was supposed to be okay waking up with something plastered across my nose. The last bit of physical appeal I hoped to hold for him seemed to slip away with that one box of nasal strips.
The next time I woke up alone, we really got into it. I felt like every time he approached the issue of my snoring he was saying I was unattractive. The funny thing is, he never said that. He was simply trying to find a solution so we could both sleep better and in the same bed. I had finally caved to wearing the strips and they seemed to be working most of the time but sometimes I’d forget to put one on.
Now, remember that we’d been going through this for months and he suddenly popped out with a thought-provoking question:
If you don’t like how I’ve approached the issue of your snoring so far, how do you suggest I bring it up when it happens?
I stopped. I didn’t have an immediate answer. I just didn’t want to wake up alone. It was becoming too much associated with having a fight – so much so that it was actually causing us to fight.
It took me a few minutes but I finally came up with a response.
Just wake me up when I’m snoring and I’ll either put on a strip if I’ve forgotten one or I’ll roll over.
He said he’d give it a shot but if I got mad that he woke me up he was going to have to move to the other room again. It wasn’t more than a few nights later that he woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me I was snoring. As agreed, I got up and put on the strip I’d forgotten and went back to sleep on my side instead of my back.
The next morning, my husband was peacefully sleeping in the bed next to me. I haven’t woken up alone since.”
My friend isn’t saying this is the solution for everyone. But she does highlight a real problem with snoring. The person who is snoring is often embarrassed by the situation and the person who isn’t sleeping as a result is frustrated by the lack of sleep. The two sides of the story often cause tension. Being able and willing to talk openly about the issue with snoring can help a couple find the best solution that fixes the problem AND keeps things from becoming tense as a result.
